How Spending Money Is Helpful for Self-Esteem

As I work on this blog, I also have Poshmark open to see if an offer I made on a pair of Doc Martens was accepted. It’s my third order this week. Last week I placed four orders and the week before another three. That’s not including my random trips to the thrift store or Target. 

December was easily my most spendiest. It’s been a helluva year between my dad and his housing/job situation, my step-dad ending up in the ICU for over a month, and my dog requiring a $4,400 surgery. My finances have been rocked all year. Truthfully I have no clue how I managed all this while still going to school and working and freelancing and running Life at. I think December was finally the month that my brain snapped and said, “Bitch, you need to treat yourself hard.” So I did. 

Usually, my higher spending months are because I’ve hit a manic episode. That brain chemistry is poppin off and I’m buying whatever. This time, however, I noticed something different about my spending. It wasn’t manic induced. It had a certain intention behind it that I didn’t realize until a few days ago. I was spending because I finally felt ready to explore my self-expression through my appearance. Stick with me. I’ll explain.

My villain origin story

While I grew up with an overall supportive family, that doesn’t mean they refrained from commenting about my appearance. We’re a big, loud Mexican family and the women in my family have the body shape to prove it. But I’ve always been petite. Literally, I’ve never been more than 100lbs my whole life and my family never let me forget it. I clearly remember Halloween when I was 5 or 6, an aunt commented on my Jasmine costume asking, “Mija, where are your chi chi’s?” I’m almost 32 and still think about this whenever I have to try on bras. 

Fast forward to my teen years and I never really “filled out.” That coupled with unfortunate interactions with men, an awful therapist who literally said, “You brought this incident on yourself whether it was intentional or unintentional.” during a session about a particularly crap encounter with a man, and being bipolar with extreme depressive episodes that would cause me to lose weight rapidly, I had a fine foundation for hating everything about how I looked for a very very long time. 

But you’re pretty on the inside and that’s all that matters or whatever.

When we start learning how to heal these parts of ourselves, it’s always an internal focus. Which I totally agree with. Relearning self-talk and all that is very important. However, we can’t discount the external part either. 

While I might have done a lot of work to not talk so harshly to myself in my thoughts, it didn’t help that how I felt inside was not what I saw on the outside. We all have a version of ourselves that we feel like and when we don’t see that physically, it hurts. I still didn’t have the fat ass I wanted or boobs that would actually fill out a bra. I could never find clothes that fit right because I was too small. It just never synced up. 

Adjacent to this personal side was the typical social commentary about a womans’ appearance. 

You’re not woman enough.

Eat a goddamn hamburger.

Oh my god, where do you put all that food you eat?

Women shouldn’t be hairy.

Be girly.

You spend so much on your makeup and nails.

Don’t spend so much money on clothes.

You dress like a blob.

With all this conflicting information it was easier to just not. To not get my hair done. To not buy clothes I liked. To not put effort into how I looked. Everything was about utility and function, not fun. But bruh, sometimes you really need fun. 

Now, what the fuck does all this money? A lot actually. 

Personal finance is personal… except not like that.

There can be a substantial amount of shame and guilt around spending on ourselves. 

Why would you spend $200 to get your hair done? That’s why you’re broke. 

$150 on new shoes? You’d be better off investing that. 

You get your nails done every month? That’s so frivolous and wasteful.

My loves, it is not frivolous or wasteful. 

It’s literally facilitating you healing your relationship with your physical self.

I get tattoos on the parts of myself I hate and now, instead of looking at these parts and seeing something that brings me down, I see beautiful art. I’ve made myself a canvas that I love looking at. That is absolutely worth the cost to me.

I started buying clothes I like and not based on how they make a certain part of my body look or whether they’re practical or not. Trust me, the platform velvet floral ankle boots I bought make me so giddy I nearly skip. That’s a lie. I TOTALLY skip.

I’m nearly 32 years old and just got acrylic nails for the first time in December. YES, FOR THE FIRST TIME. Because society deemed it a waste of money. Because “Oh no! Aren’t you worried about breaking a nail sweetie?” 

First of all, yes I am worried because these shits are glued to my nail and cost me a pretty fucking penny so obviously I want them to last. 

Second, it’s not a waste of money because it makes me feel pretty. 

Like so pretty. And the clickity clacking. Lord. I’m my own beautiful ASMR machine and I love it. 

For someone that has spent nearly 32 years never feeling pretty or feminine, those nails weren’t just an expense.

Recovery and healing aren’t always about mindset.

The whole “learn to love yourself” shit isn’t all bad, but as I said before, it overly focuses on the internal. It doesn’t always have to be about changing your mindset and blah blah blah. It could just be about finally letting yourself have a form of self-expression that makes you feel unstoppable. 

If you’re recovering from an eating disorder or body dysmorphia, you can absolutely spend money on things that help you start loving how you look again or that just make you happy. See again about the platform floral velvet ankle boots. 

If you were raised in a household where you weren’t allowed to dress how you wanted, you can absolutely spend money on clothes that YOU picked out and like. Exploring your own style and self-expression is so fun and you learn a lot about yourself in the process.

Recovering from an illness, depression, or abusive situation? Bruh, go get a nice haircut and an outfit that makes you feel like you could stand next to Beyonce and not be outshined. 

Learning to love ourselves, or to fall back in love with ourselves is so hard. Like so fucking hard. There are so many obstacles and all we want to be able to do is look in the mirror and think, “I love what I’m seeing right now.” We do not need more commentary from anyone about how us spending $200 on a haircut is frivolous. They have no clue what that haircut could mean for someone who lost their hair to chemo and it’s finally long enough to cut again or to someone who moved away from controlling parents and is actually able to make their own decisions about their appearance.

Yes, overspending can be an issue. Consider the budget and the spending a recovery double feature. You protect and enjoy your money while also healing and relearning things you love about yourself. This past month helped me realize I can shift some funds and make sure I now have a designated shopping budget so I can continue to explore my own personal style. I like how I feel about myself now and I want to keep that going because I’ve spent entirely too long hating myself. 

It’s time I allow myself to be the eccentric rich auntie I know I am.

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